Being real

Category : Family, Pregnancy

I’ve been trying to think of when would be a good time to write about this (as you well know I like to write about anything from skiing to potty training).  I’ll get to Izzy’s 2nd birthday in my next post but a friends blogpost today struck me as it was time.  She talked about an honest feeling she was having with her newborn, something I know every mother goes through at some point.  But she was being real and putting herself out there.

We’ve had an up and down couple months in the Tidd house.  Now, I know everyone goes through sicknesses, hardships, etc so I don’t want this to be a pity party for us.  It’s another part of our life that forever changed us and I like to record those feelings and events as vividly as I can.  So here goes – forgive me family and friends as we didn’t share this with everyone at the time.  We were preparing to try for baby #3 in late fall and just like the first 2 kiddos, we got pregnant mid-November on our first try.  Before I even took a test, I knew something wasn’t right with this pregnancy.  I had been spotting for a week or so, which seemed abnormal for me.  Finally on Friday night (December 3) around 12:30am, Gary went to the store to get a pregnancy test.  Neither of us could handle not knowing anymore.  We were both a little edgy with eachother because of what we both knew wasn’t normal but needed to know if I was pregnant or not.  He came back with a pack of EPT (which should have been a sign to begin with as my other 2 I used Clear Blue Easy.  I know too much info, but it was funny that nothing fit the bill this time.)  I promised Gary I wouldn’t cry this time we took a test – the last 2 I cried, for Anna as she was our first and for Izzy as she came as a part of God’s plan.  :)   I didn’t cry but I wasn’t as excited as I should be b/c of this lingering feeling we both had.  I called the doctor the next week to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test to set up an appointment but was spotting.  The nurse (not my OB nurse) said that’s normal for some women, that it could be that way the whole pregnancy.  I knew better from my own experiences to know this wasn’t right for me.  But I went on through the next week hoping the spotting would end.  I called again and was assured that spotting was normal and wasn’t having any other symptoms as the time of anything more.  My appointment was scheduled for December 27 to make sure it was a viable pregnancy as I have to do Lovenox and Heperin shots with my history of blood clots.  After those 2 weeks had passed, I switched my appointment to the 20th as we had plans of telling the family over the holidays of our news but wanted it to be a good thing and not an unsure thing.

Friday, December 17 I was on my way home from picking up the girls from daycare.  I had been bleeding for about 4 weeks now and in my head, I thought it was going away.  But I started to feel a little more crampy as I was driving.  I ate dinner but didn’t feel right.  So I ended up on the couch, covered in a blanket as the pain was getting stronger.  Anna and Izzy didn’t know what was going on, but knew that mommy didn’t feel good.  So Anna’s first reaction is to start getting as sad as I look and cuddle with me.  Izzy’s reaction was to stick around me but wasn’t sure what to do.  Anna asks if I have to throw up and what was wrong.  I told her that mommy’s belly hurt.  In the meantime, Gary was on the phone with his mom.  As soon as he got off and realized that I didn’t feel good, he came over to hug me.  While we hugged, I had much stronger pains, like a labor pain and jumped up to run to the bathroom.  The girls, still concerned, follow me in.  Sitting there, I was still having the pains come in waves, my head was in my hands and dear, sweet Anna asked “Mommy, do you have a big poop?”  In the midst of the scary time, she made my laugh.  ::::::: Back story: When Anna says her belly hurts we ask her if she has to poop or if she has to poop.  That girl puts things together like nobody’s business. :::::::  So I tell her, no mommy doesn’t have a big poop but that her belly still hurt.  Anna is standing there with her blankie very concerned as to my well-being, Izzy’s totting around being Izzy.  So sweet.  Just after that conversation, the biggest pain seized through and I passed baby #3.

My dear, sweet husband rallied the girls to the living room, letting me work through the pain and emotions of having a miscarriage while he called the hospital.  After talking with the on-call service, he called Sheila over to watch the girls while we figured out what to do next.  I cleaned up and soon after, the on-call OB-GYN called me.  He asked me a few questions and from what I gave him, he confirmed that I had a miscarriage and told him I already had an appointment on that Monday.  Sheila and Missy showed up to tend to the girls, while Gary and I talked and cried a little.  (Thank you, ladies).

The rest of the night was a bit somber.  We knew that it wasn’t our (my) fault for this happening.  We knew we felt off with this whole pregnancy.  We knew (but didn’t really want to admit) that this may not end well.  But we also knew that this was God’s will for us.  We knew and know that God will grant us another child if it’s His will.  We know that He’ll stay beside us through all the ups and downs during the grieving period.  It’s been 2 1/2 months since that day and there are still some things working themselves out, a few less sad moments seeing a pregnant woman, a few more brighter moments that those 2 little girls bring out of us.  In the end, God has brought us peace and a hope that we’ll get another chance.


I had planned on blogging each week about my pregnancy and had started the first couple weeks to post at a later date.  I’ll share that with you here:

So, dear readers, you won’t be reading this till I’m about 8-12 weeks along but I wanted to chronicle weekly about what’s going on during this, my 3rd pregnancy!  I can’t believe it, well I can b/c we wanted this, but just like the other 2 there’s a surprise/scared/exciting feeling involved with adding another baby into the family.  Gary and I kind of had a saying “3 before 30″ for our family, so that would mean we’d have another baby by the time I turn 30 or we’ll be pregnant at that time.  Well we’re going to hit that mark just in the nick of time.  My supposed due date, according to my handy dandy friends at the BabyCenter, is August 3.  I turn 30 on August 16.  So we’ll see if this little one will arrive late like their biggest sister or a week early like their younger sister, ha!  So weird to say that.

Anywho, a couple Friday nights ago, Gary and I decided to start wrapping gifts for the girls, we were watching tv and wondering if I may be pregnant.  I was going to buy a test the next day but….. it got the best of Gary (and actually relieved me of wondering too much).  He ran to the store around 12am to get some tests.  So of course while he’s gone I’m thinking about it, it’s making me all nervous when in reality I knew I was pregnant.  As most of you know, we are pretty fertile (I know a little graphic but you chose to stick around to read this blog).  This isn’t meant to brag but we don’t have to try hard.   So Gary got home with the tests (and as weird as this sounds, he wasn’t able to find the ClearBlue digital ones I’d used for the last 2 kids, bummer!) so I took one and within a minute it declared and temporarily solidified my thought.  I wasn’t allowed to cry like I did for the first 2, so I didn’t.  I smiled a lot, hugged Gary tightly and jokingly asked “what are going to do now?!”  Hehe.  I’ve asked that with Anna and Izzy.  :)   I’m all about consistency.

So in the past couple weeks not much has been going on.  I have one difference from my previous pregnancies that gives me a little worry but was told the 2 times I called about it that it’s normal, is the light bleeding.  I know, again too much info, but it is what it is.  I did a little online research but like to steer away from that b/c people post only about issues usually not the normalcy of things, so for that I lean on my doctor for the answers.  I have no cramping or bleeding heavily to show something may be wrong.  But my inherent nature is to worry, so I may just bump my appointment up till before Christmas so I have more confidence breaking the news to the family over Christmas.  Hopefully that’ll work!  With the appointment will bring a wonderful prescription…. Lovenox.  I’ll talk about that later.  :)

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